WUNRN
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-aronson-fontes-phd/teens-trapped-in-the-rela_b_8048020.html
Teens Trapped by Coercive
Control - Girls
By Lisa Aronson Fontes, PhD* – August 28, 2015
Sometimes teen
romance can be downright dangerous. Early relationships can be traps for young
people, spoiling months or years of their lives and setting the pattern for
future coupling.
A crush can turn
soul-crushing if it includes sexual assault, domestic violence, or coercive control. Maybe you're not familiar with that
last term. Coercive Control describes a strategy of domination through
isolation, manipulation, verbal abuse, sexual coercion, and sometimes physical
violence. Coercive control exists in some adult as well as some teenage
relationships. Most commonly, men control women in this way, but people of all genders and orientations can be victims or victimizers.
Here are signs to look for, if you're worried about a teenager's relationship.
1) Isolation: Is the teen spending less time with
friends and family? Has the teen dropped out of much-loved activities? A
certain degree of wanting to live on cloud nine alone together is to be
expected in a new relationship. However, sometimes a controlling teenager deliberately
isolates his girlfriend (or a girl he's hooking up with) by monopolizing her
time and badmouthing her family and friends. He may insist that she stop
hanging out with certain people. He may grow angry if she chooses to see others
instead of him, so she cuts off her contacts to keep the peace. Once young
people lose close touch with their circle of friends, they become even more
dependent on their romantic partners for support and companionship.
2) Cyberstalking and Monitoring: Most teens
today use cell phones or computers regularly, providing opportunities for
controlling partners to cyberstalk and harass. Some abusive teens will almost
constantly text, call, or instant message their partners when they're not
together. If the abuser cannot detect a girl's whereabouts through technology,
he may track her down in person or by texting her friends. Technology allows an
abuser's reach to extend even into his victim's parents' house, where he may
insist on speaking with her, texting her, or chatting with her for hours on
end. Not infrequently, parents think their adolescent children are asleep while
the teens are busy chatting or texting in their rooms. I have known teens whose
boyfriends insisted that a webcam be on or a phone connection be open at all times
when they are not in the same room. While this is extreme, frequent monitoring
through technology is not unusual among teens and young adults. A teen who
grabs and looks through another teen's cell phone is showing worrisome signs of
control.
3) Threats: Healthy relationships do not
include threats or punishment. Because they don't have a lot of relationship
experience, it can be difficult for teens to determine when others are being
unreasonable. Teen boys often threaten girls overtly or covertly with breaking
up, humiliation, or even physical violence. Like adults, when teens punch or
kick walls, smash things, drive too fast, threaten suicide, or physically fight
with others, they are conveying their capacity for violence.
4) Cyberthreats: Twitter, Snapchat,
Instagram, Ask.fm, and similar sites can all be used to threaten, express
ownership over, or punish a partner or ex-partner. These communications can be
hard to document and extremely frightening, as when a boy sends a picture of a
bloody knife over Snapchat to his ex-girlfriend and the image is set to
dissolve in seconds. Or when a girl anonymously posts humiliating information
about her exboyfriend on Ask.fm.
Drawing by Liz
Bannish
5) Sexual Coercion: Controlling teens use
public displays of affection to assert ownership and dominance. Abusive teens
often push girls to engage in unwanted sexual activities or to have sex without
protection. A controlling teen may encourage a girl to drink or get high so
she'll have less of an ability to resist his advances. Of course, I'm not
referring to situations where the young woman is happy to participate. I'm
referring to situations where she feels that she cannot say "no," or
where she has said "no" and he pushes her to go along with it anyway.
This is sexual coercion, and--depending on the circumstances--it may be rape or
another crime. As we have seen in the Saint Paul's School rape case, sexual
coercion can have dire consequences for all involved.
6) Circulating Rumors and Images: Many teens care
deeply about their reputations. Teens control their partners through spreading
or threatening to spread rumors about them. The information does not have to be
true to be damaging.Teen boys often press their girlfriends for naked photos or
videos. It is not unusual for boys to circulate these photos among their
friends or send them to a wide group as a form of ownership or revenge.
Circulating a naked picture of a person under 18 is a serious legal offense.
7) Physical Domination and Abuse: Some
adolescents use their size and strength to assert their power. A teenager might
tickle a girl or wrestle with her, continuing to roughhouse even when she asks
him to stop and is clearly distressed. He might restrain her by holding her
down or grabbing her wrists, and then mock her if she becomes upset. A
controlling young man might slap a girl, even in public, and then define his
actions as "just messing with you." A controlling boy might grab,
push, hit, pinch, or even bite a girl as a threat or punishment, or just to
show "who's boss." However he defines it, if the person being hurt
does not desire the actions or is intimidated by them, then they are abuse.
Once the violence has begun, it can become a routine part of the relationship.
Coercive Control
is tricky because many of the behaviors can be concealed in a wrapper of "love."
For instance, "I want to know what you are doing at all times because I worry
about you." Or, "If you really loved me, you'd have sex with me
now." Or, "Don't listen to your parents. They don't understand you
like I do." A young person may be confused by control that masquerades as love. It feels like control
but he says it's love--which is it? The first step in helping people free themselves from a relationship trap is
to break their isolation. The second step it to help them identify the problem.
*Lisa Aronson Fontes, PhD - University of Massachusetts Amherst Senior Lecturer & Author, Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship