WUNRN
The Voice of Youth - Pakistan
PAKISTAN - THE SILENT CRIME -
VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN
REFLECTION STORY OF AN ABUSED
PAKISTANI WIFE
28. Nov, 2011
Image source: speakforchange.org
Anjali was stuck. Stuck. Trapped. She couldn’t
leave him. What would happen to the children? What would they do the next time
he was in one of his moods? She had been a good child, always listening to her
parents. She worked hard and did well in school, and could embroider, stick,
knit, sew, paint, sketch, and cook better than any of her sisters. A pleasant
smile was never far from her face. Her heart on her sleeve, she gave generously
to those around her, and always had a kindly word for anyone who may need it. All
she wanted was joy. She had never thirsted after money, manipulated her
position for power.
What more could you want in a woman? She covered
herself modestly, and took care to maintain a relationship with her God. What
flaw was there in such a creature? Delicate and finely bones, with smooth, even
features that came together in a soft beauty, light and refreshing. She had no
unseemly habits. There was no drug addiction, no alcoholism, no flirtation with
the men at the workplace, no casual relationships. She was a hard worker, and
did not ask for much. All she needed was love. No. Forget that. All she needed
was respect.
Anjali looked at herself now. Skin soft with
age, wrinkles lining her forehead, her cheekbone sore from the recent assault.
She was no longer the beauty she had once been. Now there was a frailty to her
body, the type that comes after middle age, a droop in her smile, as if her
lips were ready, at a moment’s notice to spit out words of anger and hate. How
had this happened to her? How had she become an angry, resentful woman? How had
she become so crass, deviated to such an extent from the graceful elegance that
once fell around her like a shimmering cloak?
It had all started when she married him. If
Anjali was telling you this story, she would tell you to forget Cinderella.
There is no Prince Charming. Now she knew. Marriage was not a union. It was no
divine culmination of two spirits into one. It was the whip that broke one to
the will of the other. Disney did not prepare her for the lack of love and
neglect, for the years of emotional abuse, psychological trauma. Nothing in
life prepares you for the harsh realities that you are now a slave. Bitch.
Whore. You useless dead-weight! For now, after more than thirty years, she was
trash. He reminded her every day, as if the sole purpose of his life was to
punish her. He had a bad day at work, and she was the one who had to pay.
She hadn’t left him because she couldn’t. She
had children, and it was her responsibility to care for them. That man never
respected her feelings. She was the ideal wife, even his friends acknowledged
that. And that sly devil never let anyone else know it. In front of everyone
else, she was a wonderful wife and he was her wonderful husband. They were the
Ken & Barbie of the year. Except this Barbie cried herself to sleep
regularly. This Barbie was taunted and screamed at every time her back hurt, or
she had the flu, or a head ache. This Barbie was threatened with slaps and
curse words. You piece of shit! You fat, ugly, unappealing haramzaadi!
I will kill you! Who the hell do you think you
are? I’ll throw you out of the house and leave you to die on the street. We’ll
see what you can do for yourself then!
And then he had fought with her family, so that
now even her mother was distanced from her. Her sisters no longer spoke to her.
Where would she go? How could she escape him? Anjali turned to God, her only
saviour. Her love for Him gave her strength to endure this test. Patience was
her only respite. She raised her children as best she could, but it was
difficult. How can you take care of others when you must constantly fight for
your own survival?
Studies show that one third of children who
witness the battering of their mothers demonstrate significant behavioral
and/or emotional problems. Children may experience such problems as depression,
anger and hostility, isolation, school problems (low achievement), drug and/or
alcohol use, and more. They may attempt to get attention through violent
behavior, such as lashing out or treating pets cruelly, or by threatening
siblings or mother with violence.
Boys who witness their father’s abuse of their
mothers are more likely to inflict severe violence when they become adults.
Data suggest that girls who witness maternal abuse are more likely to tolerate
abuse as adults. Children from abused homes often have relationship and marital
problems as adults. (From the bookletthe booklet “
One night, things got out of hand. She hadn’t
made him breakfast, had forgotten to pick the dirty dishes up from the dining
table, and he punched her. That night Anjali went to sleep wishing she could
die.
Minna Schulman, director of a domestic violence
and law enforcement agency, stated that violence is a tool that men use to
maintain control and to demonstrate power and authority over a woman. She
added: “We see domestic violence as a misuse of power and control.” Some wife
beaters suffer from low self-esteem, the same trait they induce in their
victims. If they can do that, then their ego will have been fed, and they will
feel a measure of superiority and control over another human. They feel that
they prove their masculinity in this way. Yet, do they? Since they perpetrate
their violence on physically weaker women, does it prove that they are truly
men of strength, or does it prove, instead, that they are unreasonable? Is it
really manly for a stronger male to beat up a weaker, more defenseless female?
A man of strong moral character would show consideration and compassion for
weaker and more defenseless ones, not take advantage of them.
Another demonstration of the unreasonable
thinking of the abuser is the fact that he often blames his wife for provoking
the beatings. He may imply, or even say to her, such things as: ‘You didn’t do
this right. That’s why I’m beating you.’ Or: ‘Dinner was late, so you’re just
getting what you deserve.’ In the abuser’s mind, it is her fault. However, no
shortcoming of the other mate justifies battering.