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India: With changing gender roles, couples are becoming increasingly confused about their respective roles in a relationship. While young Indian couples of today theoretically strive towards equality, they have few role models and little guidance in the practical aspects of this paradigm.

 

http://thewip.net/contributors/2008/08/indian_couples_seek_security_i.html

 

August 25, 2008

Indian Couples Seek Security in Modern Marriages

by Mridu Khullar
- India -

Couples in India are finally figuring out that hours of horoscope-matching sessions followed by measures to correct planetary positions make not a good marriage. Urban educated twenty-somethings of today are ditching the priest's grass mat and heading to the counselor's leather couch.

Pre-marital counseling, a concept that has so far been alien to Indians, is making an entry into the psyche of the young middle-class. Counseling of any sort has traditionally been seen as a "western idea," and something that is not part of the Indian culture. Formal and professional pre-marital counseling is looked upon even more skeptically by a generation of parents who met each other no more than once or twice before their own arranged marriages.


With little in the way of practical guidance, young urban couples in India are increasingly seeking pre-marriage counseling. Photograph by Curtis Palmer.

In the past, mothers or older female cousins would prepare a girl for her wedding by talking to her about her expected duties, advising her to take care of the needs of not just her husband, but also her in-laws, and giving her a brief introduction to sex. "From this day on, your husband is your God," she would be told. Pati parmeshwar, which is Hindi for "Husband God" or "Godly Husband," is a term that was often used to describe an Indian husband.

The Hindu wedding ceremony itself is a diminutive therapy session in which the bride and groom are advised by the priest in matters of wealth, family, and responsibility. But men are given little in terms of advice.

"Men in India have always been told that it's the woman's forte to look after the home and kids, and the man's forte to earn a very good living," says Dr. Pria Warrick of the Warrick Counseling Center in New Delhi. "But now there is a segment of women who have recently become independent and don't know much on the home front."

With changing gender roles, couples are becoming increasingly confused about their respective roles in a relationship. While young Indian couples of today theoretically strive towards equality, they have few role models and little guidance in the practical aspects of this paradigm.

Dr. Rajan Bhonsle and his wife Dr. Minnu R. Bhonsle, founders of the Heart to Heart Counseling Centre in Mumbai—one of the first centers to offer non-religious pre-marital counseling in the country, say that pre-marital counseling is especially important for Indians. "It's about having the communication skills, and knowing how to resolve the problems that come up in a marriage"—areas in which young couples find themselves ill-equipped.

Since couples in India don't typically live together before making a lifetime commitment, they usually don't know what to expect once the wedding is over and the marriage begins. This confusion spills over to daily life, family activities, and even sex.


Parents of the bride pray with the priest in a wedding in Bangalore. Photograph by Rahul Young and Meg Pearson.

Pre-marital counseling typically includes tests for physical and reproductive health, including those for sexually transmitted diseases, at least one session on sex education, and discussions about the core realities of marriage.

Women, especially those getting into arranged marriages, fear bringing up issues of a sexual past, future expectations, and aspirations regarding money and children. Until just a few years ago, it was assumed that once a couple got married, a woman would put her career on hold and focus on the family. Women of today, however, want more. Counselors say they help bring these issues and expectations to the table.

The most important part though, is sex education.

Unlike in more developed countries, sex education is not part of the school curriculum in India. In fact, as of late 2007, 12 out of India’s 29 state governments had banned sex education claiming the course material led to sexual experimentation among students and was against the Indian culture.

In the 1999 Bollywood movie Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam, actress Aishwarya Rai, who plays Nandini, a traditional Indian woman, when kissed by her half-Italian boyfriend asks, "Will I get pregnant?"

The problem, say counselors, is that Indian youth are "absolutely ignorant" when it comes to sex. "Today's youth is more exposed to sex, but they're less prepared," says Dr. Warrick.

"There's also this pressure of performing on the first night," adds Dr. Bhonsle. Indian brides, and even grooms, are still expected to be virgins on the night of their wedding, especially in arranged marriages. This lack of sexual experience can create intense anxiety as couples try to navigate their way through physical intimacy even before they've had a chance to connect emotionally.

This lack of preparedness, coupled with high expectations brought on by western influences, report counselors, is creating many unstable marriages, leading to a sharp increase in divorce rates.

"When we started the institute in 1997, even our own family and friends ridiculed us," says Dr. Bhonsle. Today, he counsels approximately 70-100 couples a month, each hoping to find stability in their otherwise chaotic lives.

"The Indian youth is in a state of confusion presently," he says. "We want to be like the west, but we still have the basic Indian culture and values."

Pre-marital counseling helps couples combine the best of east and west, and debunk myths about gender roles, romance, and sex. Professionals are answering questions that couples of today face—questions that most parents of just a generation ago find they are no longer able to answer.

Author: Mridu Khullar - http://www.mridukhullar.com/





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