by Rita Loyd © May 11, 2007

It wasn’t by candle light….

No romantic music…..

All the fantasies of how my first time would be

were erased…..without my consent. 

I  trusted him…

with my  body.

But then I was tricked.

I was made to believe that only his hand would touch me there.

But before I knew it…

My innocence was violated…

My virginity gone.

By a man I would forgive

because I did not place value on what he had stolen.

My choice. My voice. My self worth.

I even consoled his guilt for what he had done.

Three years later I agreed to marry him

after he gave me a diamond engagement ring

to apologize for hitting me. How romantic.

A year after that we divorced.

And a year after that we remarried.

Because I was still lost.

Because I still did not know that I deserved better.

But then one day while suffering ulcer pain

I asked myself the question.

“How did I end up here?”

And it was at this moment I realized

that it was a lack of self worth

that attracted this relationship into my life

and it was a lack of self worth

that made me feel willing to stay.

It became clear.

I had a long road ahead of me....

To reach my destination of self love.

But this was the day

I took my first step.

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